Should We Always Ask for Pronouns?
It’s the first day of class. Your professor has just asked everyone to say their names, their class year, their major (or prospective major), and of course, pronouns. People take turns introducing themselves, some he/his, some she/hers, the occasional they/them, maybe a few other combinations, and then it gets to me. I tell you my name, my year, my major, and then I stop and look to the next person, ready to move on. Sometimes, that’s what happens – the next person starts to talk and I’m out of the spotlight. And sometimes, I’m not so lucky.
“Can you say your pronouns?”
Stop.
Don’t ask me that. Please, don’t ask me that.
It’s phenomenal that there’s widespread knowledge of LGBTQ+ issues on this campus. It’s amazing that transgender student, staff, and faculty can not only introduce themselves with their preferred identifiers, but they can also do so with relative safety. I love that I can be openly queer without a second thought! That isn’t true in my hometown. I would much rather have well-meaning blunders than intentional hostility any day of the week.
But well-meaning blunders are still harmful. In the last few years, I’ve seen a lot of “resources” about dealing with gender-related topics that simply do not align with my reality. Things like, “You should never make assumptions about someone’s gender” and “Always ask for people’s pronouns if you don’t know them.” These messages are stated with authority, as unchangeable, undebatable facts that need to be accepted. I know this message, that we should always ask for pronouns, rings true for many queer individuals, but it’s not true for me.
Truthfully, I don’t want to tell you about my gender. It’s complicated, it takes a while to explain, and it’s tied to some really personal experiences. I had a lot of self-esteem issues tied to gender, feeling like I could never connect the way I was “supposed” to with other kids, or even with my own family, bullied both for being too masculine and too feminine. I was too weak and bad at kickball to be accepted by the boys, but too awkward or “gross” to be accepted by the girls. There are layers of self-discovery, of rejection and acceptance, of sex appeal and sexuality, so much more than I could ever fit into a five second introduction. If I’m being honest, no pronouns really feel “right” to me, and not using pronouns feels just as weird. It’s uncomfortable for me to talk about this with strangers, and I’d rather you just assume based on my appearance.
But to be honest, I’m close enough to cisgender that it doesn’t really affect me. I don’t feel dysphoria with my assigned gender, nor do I feel euphoria with other pronoun sets. If pressed, I’ll either make a joke or say the assigned set, and it’s no big deal either way. What annoys me more is the assumption that my pronouns matter to me. However, they do matter to others, and insistence when asking for pronouns can lead unintentional harm.
The idea of introducing yourself with your pronouns is based on the assumption that everyone will openly announce the pronouns they most identify with. But some people are still in the closet and would like to stay that way. It is a cornerstone of queer culture to not “out” anyone, both out of respect for privacy and out of very real and present safety concerns. Outing someone is at least a faux pas, and at worst a life-ruining hate crime. Don’t forget, the gay/trans panic defense is still permissible in most states in the USA. People are still ostracized, abused, disowned, fired, “correctively” raped, and murdered for being trans, even in “progressive” areas and especially in conservative ones. Even if they want to, it’s not safe for everyone to be out.
When you ask closeted people for their pronouns in a group setting, you are asking them to make a choice: out yourself or misgender yourself. Sure, they’re probably going to be misgendered anyways, but there is a big difference between being passively misgendered and being asked to actively identify yourself with the wrong gender. Pronouns aren’t necessarily equivalent to gender identity, but if I say I use he/him pronouns, what everyone hears is that I identify as a man. From that point on, not only are they validated in thinking that he/him are the correct pronouns, but they will think they are actively doing “the right thing” by using those pronouns for me. Don’t put me in this situation!
“But Anonymous, are you saying that we should stop asking people for pronouns? Should we go back to assuming everyone is cisgender?”
That’s also bad! Open discussion of gender identity is how progress is made. What I am asking for is middle ground. For allies and LGBTQ+ individuals alike to critically think about how their actions affect others instead following the latest Instagrammable infographic. It might be appropriate to ask for pronouns in a private setting, but don’t push if people dodge the question. Or just keep asking in public. Many trans individuals feel welcomed and accepted when people ask how they identify. All I want is an opt-out. Don’t forget about the privacy lovers like me, the people who are still figuring themselves out, and the people who have chosen to stay in the closet. Trust that, if you create a safe environment, people who want to share their pronouns will do so. If you’re comfortable stating your pronouns, saying your own and setting a precedent can be a great way to encourage inclusivity. But when I “forget” to say my pronouns, help me avoid attention, and just move along. ■